I woke up so jazzed to weigh in and head to derby Saturday morning only to be dashed by abdominal pain that kept me in bed all morning. I slept a big chunk of the day away, and after I got over my anxiety about missing my best workout of the week (compounded with the fact that it was my cheat day)… I felt good.
Maybe it was the 14 hours of sleep, maybe it was the promise of a cheat- but I started seeing myself as so much more capable than one week ago. The domino effect kept my cheat day in check, has me considering a real fitness challenge, and living in the moment- not something I do easily.
It’s not all lollipops and rainbows- There’s still a voice in my head that nibbles the success away – the one that tells me it was just the first week and it’s all water weight or some other crap (It’s the same one that negates most of the compliments I’ve gotten in the past) but I feel I am more resilient. My immediate reactions are changing. I am beginning to feel worthy.
I am not deluded into believing that a certain weight or size is the key to my happiness. I am on a quest for strength. I want to feel and know that I am powerful beyond my identity as a wife and mother. I have denied myself the opportunity to grow strong out of a sense of duty to others. I have sought self worth through selfless acts that were based on my ego’s need for recognition… So I suppose they really weren’t so selfless after all. And here I am, years have passed and I continue to re- write the same page in my diary- until today. It will never be enough to rely on others for my self worth. It’s up to me.